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So we have to have an answer for everything, or at least know where to find one, and that amount of stress is deafening. We are happy to help out a friend, do someone a favor, and generally be a good person, of course. The distance, the stress, the overworked and exhausted husbands, the PTSD, or worse, the missed opportunities for husband/wife time all take a toll.

But, especially during deployment and particularly difficult duty stations for our spouses, we cannot do too much outside of continuing to do what we’re already doing. Eight years ago, before I moved across the country to be with my then boyfriend/now husband, a co-worker warned me.

One of my close military wife friends said this to me, and I have never forgotten it. It keeps us sane, it holds things together and it makes us happy and keeps our kids on the right track. It’s a matter of keeping things status quo, so we can handle anything unpredictable (and there’s always a lot of that). Obviously, we have fun and enjoy our children; in fact, they are often the best distraction from tough duty stations. We plan to have our children around the time our husbands will actually be home AND available. ) We plan family vacations and weddings around these schedules as well, and often, they get canceled or postponed.

Just because we appear to have it together during tough duty stations (see number 7)…laughing things off and trying to make the best of everything, we are always at our limit. There are times we are raising our kids alone, and we cannot, even if we wanted to, get a hold of our husbands…for weeks. Because when we do deviate from the system, there’s always a huge fallout. I know more than one military couple that eloped after their elaborate wedding was canceled due to a last minute trip.

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And we have no idea what to say…because we have no idea when he is returning.

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Just because our husbands aren’t deployed doesn’t mean they are available….which brings me back to number four.

Everything’s going great, system is working well, and then, one of your children remembers he hasn’t seen his dad in two weeks. Yes, we knew what we signed up for when we got married. So we take kids to school concerts, sports games and put them to bed at night. Update: This essay has been republished on Scary Mommy as well as

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